(Fake) Interview with Uber Chef Eric Ripert

pulled from PBS...

pulled from PBS…

Looking at him is like listening to the Beatles for the first time…

MOMENTS OF BREVITY:

 

Walking out of my local Yoga Pant Fashion Show, aka Whole Food’s at 5:00pm, I noticed two words out of the corner of my eye. I walked by the newsstand outside and saw ‘ERIC RIPERT’ in large yellow letters and had to pick up the newest issue of Ultratravel Magazine specifically to read what the Frenchman and God of the Kitchen had to say.

 

The following are the real questions asked during the interview. The answers are what I hoped/imagined Chef Ripert would have said and are totally fake. His real answers are in parentheses and are summarized by yours truly.

 

It must be amazing running a restaurant right on the beach. Being a Frenchman, do you sunbathe in the nude?

But of course. I am, how you say, uninhibited. Zo, I let my baguette hang wherever zee ell I want. (No, but maybe if I was by myself.)

 

What’s your drink of choice at the beach?

For me, zare eez nussing better zen a zmoozzee made wis snow from zee French Alps and crisp $100 bills. Because I am zo rich, you know. (Margarita or Pina Colada)

 

How do you feel about being known as a heartthrob?

Eet make me zo happy. Because I can let my baguette hang wherever zee ell I want. (It makes me happy.)

 

What do you do in your downtime?

I love to travel and spend time wiz my family. But sometimes I get lost for days in zee crystal blue gaze of my own eyeballs. (Family, work, and myself.)

 

Where do you travel on your own?

To destinations where the family wouldn’t follow me…(That’s what he actually said.)

 

I heard you travel with a small Buddha. What else?

Yes, I also travel with Allah, my fahzzer, and Zeus. We are zee, how you say, Pussy Posse. (A cross, Ganesh, and passport.)

 

Do you like flying?

Eet’s ok. I weesh I would have gotten X-Ray veeshone or super human strengths. But at least I don’t have to wait in zee security line. (Only if it’s first class.)

 

What is your favorite dish at Blue, your restaurant here at the Ritz-Carlton?

I’d like to take inspiration from zee cinematic masterpiece Zoolander, and say, I am zo hot right now, I could take a crap, wrap eet in teenfoil, put some mirepoix and sell it to Queen Elizabeess as boef bourguignon. (Everything is good.)

 

You recently launched a chocolate bar called Good & Evil with Anthony Bourdain. Are you a chocoholic?

I don’t discriminate. Everyone should have a taste of Ripert. (I eat dark Chocolate everyday.)

 

How did you come up with the name for it?

It was on two stone tablets I came across while traveling. (Bourdain came up with it.)

 

You two must have fun working together.

Sure, he loves zat I can turn Evian water into wine, but he cannot walk on water zo he gets old sometimes. (We bust each other’s balls all the time.)

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