Idle hands are the Devil’s playground an idle mouth is a fucking amusement park…
For me that means when I’m not struggling to spew out interesting words about food, love, and life, I do one of two things with my meat paws; I stuff my face with food, get to know myself a little bit better, or if I’m really feeling like an overachiever, both at once. (Don’t judge me…I’m opening up and having a breakthrough here.)
I remember it was evening time and I was either sitting on my couch or strung out in some crack den, I can’t remember off hand, and I came across the old Seinfeld episode where George Costanza can’t eat anything without getting turned on. And it dawned on me, I’m not the first, nor will I be the last to marry food and sex together. Although I may be the hairiest to do so.
My first thought was, what a sick-depraved-pervert. (To be honest, I saw a little bit of me in that overweight, bald guy. It was like looking into a mirror actually.) My second thought was, what food turns me on? I knew immediately it wasn’t pastrami, which is apparently the most sensual of all the salted cured meats. But I couldn’t put my finger on what really gets me going. What is my 9 ½ Weeks or Hot Shots refrigerator scene? What would be my whipped cream bikini from Varsity Blues? What would be my naked Asian chick being used as a sushi platter? (To be honest, I don’t think I would eat any sushi off a female, not because the thought of raw fish near a naked girl’s lady parts grosses me out. Far from it. It’s because I wouldn’t be able to stop the inevitable tsunami of childish vagina jokes flowing from my gullet.)
My mind began to percolate with thoughts of things percolating, and I immediately picture lubed up melons and other objects that remind me of a heaving bosom. BAM! So right then and there I have my first rule of finding the sexiest food. Nothing phallic or yonic is allowed. No need to think of foods that look like vaginas or erect penises. Especially not penises because they are hands down not sexy. I have gay friends that don’t think penises are attractive. That’s the reason sculptors covered guy’s junk with fig leaves back in the day. As Michelangelo said, ‘Don’t nobody wanna look at dat shit.’
So, no cucumbers, or banana splits, or pink tacos, or raw oysters. I’m trying to take the high road, and to be honest those foods are as much of a turn on as the cheap soft-core porn on late night Cinemax. So after many hours by myself, and finally experiencing Nirvana, the band and not enlightenment, these are the three foods that would get my blood pumping:
(Editorial Note: I made a male and female example of each of my food choices and I’m not really familiar with what either sex thinks is ‘hot’ so they may be off base.)
Super Model Food: Think David Beckham or Miranda Kerr. Food that’s super fussy and high maintenance. This is the food you would have to wait an hour for them to blow dry their hair. I picture grilled foie gras, with a cherry compote, on toasted brioche.
Girl/Boy Next Door Food: Think Ryan Gosling or Rachel McAdams (+10 pts. For Notebook reference) This is the food that’s unassuming, but beautiful, delicious, and simple. Food that looks good in jeans and a t-shirt. To me no other food personifies this more than good sushi. In particular, tuna sashimi and uni. So soft and supple, you kind of want to spank it before you eat it.
Booty Call Food: Think Lindsay Lohan. A sloppy, greasy, one-night stand type of food. For me it would have to be a big bowl of pho or ramen. Slurp. Slurp. Slurp. With the soup, not with Lohan. (I don’t have health insurance so I can’t afford the shot’s needed for that type of action.)
What gets your mouth…wet?
What gets your taste buds…hard?
What makes your stomach…throb?
Get back to me and let me know!