The War to End All Wars

What side are you on?

What side are you on?


Dear, Hot Sauce Enthusiast


A battle has been raging since the dawn of man- nay – the dawn of time. A war between good and evil. A struggle between two factions bent on dominating the other. Two wills opposing themselves upon each other with neither backing down. This is bigger than the Bloods and Crips. Team Rob versus Team Kristen? Don’t make me laugh. I’m talking about if Satan slept with Jesus’ girlfriend, then came on Maury Povich to find out he IS the father of God’s grandkid. That’s what I’m talking about. That type of bitter hatred that could get someone killed or at the very least some hair pulled out.


I am obviously speaking of the rivalry between those aligning themselves with the Tapatio hot sauce and those standing under the Chalula banner.


Like Highlander. There can be only one.


If you’re from Southern California, and probably other places too, these are your choices of adding spice in your life when dining at upscale establishments like your local diner or Mexican joint. (If you say something about Tabasco, than you’re probably reading this on a public library computer and are waiting to cash your AARP check…cuz you’re old) To the layman they might both look eerily similar, but to the astute eye, they are markedly different. The flavor of each And the disciples of each stand in marked contrast from the other.


This is some Montague-Capulet type shit here, son. You see a Tap (A follower of Tapatio) on the street? A Lula (A follower of Chalula) might say, “What’s good, homie. You bitin’ your thumb at me?” To which the Tap replies, “Nah, dogg. But I do bite my thumb.” Then, BAM! Shit’s on and poppin. Fucking hot sauce splattering everywhere like one of those slow motion scenes from The Matrix or 300.


I’ve never seen this happen before, but I’ve read stories about it.


Well, I’ve never actually read stories about it. Not because I can’t read, I totally can, it’s just I’m not quite sure if any stories have ever been written about such a fracas.


Full disclosure, I’m not completely sure people who like Tapatio and Chalula have ever actually gotten into any physical altercations as a direct result of them liking their respective hot sauce of choice.


But you can imagine if they did.


Because when it comes down to it, this feud will undoubtedly rage on long after you and I have passed on. And our great-great-great-grandkids after us. And their great-great-great-half-robot-grandkids after them. The only definite is there can be only one hot sauce for the masses. A line drawn in the proverbial sand. Black and white. There is no gray area.


But there is Sriracha…(Mind blown)


I’ll write back after I clean my brains off the wall.






Rick Scott


P.S. Remember, variety is the spice of life. Get it…spice

Further Hot Sauce Reading:

Scott Roberts

Insane Chicken

Hot Sauce Blog

Hot Sauce Daily





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